29 Thoughts I Had While Watching Twilight Again

A few weeks ago, I was made aware that the Twilight movie series was on Netflix and for some reason, the first thing I thought about doing was reacting to it on my blog, Buzzfeed style.

(Here are some examples of what I mean by Buzzfeed style: Reaction to 10 Things I Hate About You and Reaction to the Game of Thrones Series Finale. My reactions will be formatted as some sort of hybrid between these two formats from Buzzfeed.)

To start, I should say that I have seen all of the Twilight movies multiple times and I was alive and well during the Twilight craze that swept North America in the mid 2000s to early 2010s. I have only read the last book, “Breaking Dawn,” and I read the second half first because I wanted to know what was going to happen in the movie.

I have no interest in reading the rest of the books because I think Stephanie Meyers is not a good writer. Sorry ’bout it.

Nonetheless, Twilight is a cultural phenomenon and I’ve got thoughts, so why not share them with you. I mean no offense to the Twilight lovers of the world. This is just for funsies.

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• Let’s not even joke about it, the soundtrack to these movies is freakin’ fantastic. Here is the Twilight soundtrack on Spotify. You should listen to it.
• We do not deserve Charlie Swan. Not a one of us.
• This movie is a bag of awkward.

• Jacob is so much hotter without long hair or maybe just this wig. It’s god awful, friends. Esmé’s wig isn’t all that great either.

• The Cullens are rude because they are trying not to eat you, stupid! Stop staring at them.
• Why do Americans have an obsession with pointing out when non-American actors don’t have the perfect American accent in movies?
• The Cullens certainly dress differently than other high school aged people, but not necessarily better. And Rosalie is wearing heels to school. Dead giveaway that she’s 104, am I right?
• I love Emmett.
• Bella must feel hella awkward about her first interaction with the father of her children. Can’t wait for that “how did you meet dad” story.
• Me to Edward: Look, jerk. I don’t smell. How could I? I am soaked in Bath & Body Works body spray. I’m more sparkly than you will ever be, son.

• The early 2000’s fashion is just too much for me to handle. The low rise jeans are simply an eye sore. A whale tail would have been an accurate touch.

• So, does food taste disgusting to the Cullens? Couldn’t they just eat really rare meats and call it a day?
• These actors either did their own stunts or the budget was so low that the stunt folks are just that bad.
• A conversation was had amongst very smart humans about how they could incorporate an apple into this damn story. Subliminal messaging, friends.
• So, does Edward have to stay away from Bella when she is on her period? Don’t tell me you didn’t think of it too.
• That scene when Bella is cornered by all those dudes in the parking lot could have been so much freakin’ worse.
• I am offended by his generalization that all anyone is ever thinking about is money, sex and cats. I’m thinking about dogs, thank you very much.

• Dr. Cullen has the best self-control ever. That man is around blood all damn day and he is thirsty.
• I think I could live in a house like the Cullens. They live in the middle of nowhere, so they could be nakey and sparkley all the time and no one would know.

• Edward Cullen can wear a damn Ray-ban. Shit.

• Yes, I do take offense to the Cullens calling themselves vegetarians and yes, Bella’s veggie burger and mushroom ravioli sound delish.
• The Cullens not only don’t have any friends, except other vampires, but they don’t have or know any pets. Sad.
• Edward watching Bella sleep is hella weird and it makes every thought I’ve ever had about someone watching me seem a little too possible.
• Bella is wearing just underwear and a shirt in this makeout sesh and it always seemed kind of misplaced to me. And Edward slammed into a damn wall and you’re telling me my man Charlie didn’t hear that?! Lies you tell.

• The baseball scene makes me want to try out for the Olympics! Like it gets me pumped! We can thank Muse for that.

• Cam Gigandet is hot in every place and movie except this one. A bad wig kills a hot man vibe once again.

• DID SHE NEED TO WEAR THOSE LEGGINGS UNDER HER PROM DRESS? No. It ruins the look. Damn, Bella.
• A bunch of my dad’s friends want me to break up with my boyfriend? Shut the hell up.
• I’m convinced that Anna Kendrick only has big boobs in Twilight. And the scene where Bella makes a gesture about Jessica’s boobs is Kristin Stewart shining through. Bella is not that cool or funny.
• Why is their prom better than most weddings and every prom I’ve ever witnessed?
• Hot take: Kristin Stewart isn’t a bad actor. Bella Swan is a bad character.

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Twilight is not the best movie ever, but it’s certainly not the worst and I enjoyed recording my own commentary in the hopes of making you laugh.

Let me know if you want me to watch and react to New Moon!